Frontline 14: I was never trained for this!

Suzie: Engineer Jones, good of you to talk to us. Engineer Jones?

Jones: Ahhhh! I was never trained for this!

Suzie: Oh don't be such a baby. Come on, stop cowering and get up; I can't interview you down there. You were ok a moment ago.

Jones: Sorry, I was just having a flashback.

Suzie: Ah yes, I believe you're straight off the Pillar of Autumn, which had a bit of a run-in with the Covenant.

Jones: That's right Suzie. Nasty business.

Suzie: So I hear. And what's your job on the ship?

Jones: Uh, mostly I work in a control room near the cryo-bay.

Suzie: The cryo-bay? That's where they keep this mysterious 'Master Chief' fellow, isn't it?

Jones: Yeah, snoozing away in his own little freezer.

Suzie: And what sort of thing does your job involve?

Jones: Well, I spend quite a bit of time looking at dials and stuff.

Suzie: Dials for what, exactly?

Jones: Actually I'm not really sure. I'm better with a spanner to be honest. There are lots and lots of dials though. All I can really be sure of is that when the Covenant came crashing on board, a lot of the needles went swinging about all over the place.

Suzie: That doesn't sound like a good sign.

Jones: Damn straight. That's rule number 1 in the engineering handbook: "If the needles are swinging all over the place, something bad is happening".

Suzie: So did you fix the problem?

Jones: Sure did! My engineer's training kicked in and I applied rule number 2 almost without thinking: "If something bad is happening, run away screaming and find a safe place to cower". That removed the problem nicely, from my perspective.

Suzie: I see. Is there a lot of advice in this handbook of yours?

Jones: Oh tons of it, but to be honest it's all a bit of blur to me after rule number 2. I'm a big believer in keeping it simple. Mind you, it backfired a bit in this case, because all of a sudden I'm out in the corridor and face to face with these hideous aliens that busted in.

Suzie: That must've been a nasty shock.

Jones: Well I'm looking forward to changing my underwear, I can tell you that much.

Suzie: I wish you hadn't though. Still, what happened next?

Jones: Turns out I'd walked right into a firefight. There were a couple of Marines there and they pulled me back under cover, and, well, there was a lot of shooting after that. Not that I saw much of it, because I was mostly curled up in a ball with my head between my knees quivering.

Suzie: A combat technique you so ably demonstrated a moment ago. You're a credit to the engineering corps I'm sure.

Jones: And then out of the corner of my eye I see this big shiny green thing running along, and I realize it's Master Chief, woken from his cryo-tube.

Suzie: Aha! He must've put those nasty aliens in their place then.

Jones: Not really; he didn't have a gun. Fat lot of good that was. So he settled for giving me a kick up the rear as he passed, shouting "Get up and fight, you quivering wrench-monkey!", which I thought was quite uncalled for.

Suzie: Dear me, he sounded angry.

Jones: Well, if you'd just been forcibly ejected from your bed and told to see off the Covenant fleet without so much as a bite for breakfast, you'd probably be in a pretty foul mood too.

Suzie: Especially if they didn't even give me anything to shoot with. Yes, I see your point.

Jones: Anyway, he ran off somewhere and that was the last I saw of him.

Suzie: And what about the aliens?

Jones: Luckily the blast doors came down and cut them off, which was quite a relief, both to me and my underwear. But things went from bad to worse on the ship, and it wasn't long before I ended up in a lifeboat heading down here.

Suzie: I think I saw your lifeboat back in the valley; and it didn't look in the best of shape either. Lots of supplies and stuff scattered around.

Jones: Yeah, we landed with quite a bump. Place looked pretty appealing though; trees, hills, a nice stream and everything. For a moment there I wished I'd brought my fishing rod with me. But then we saw an enemy dropship coming in and that's when we hightailed it outta there to look for cover.

Suzie: And here you are.

Jones: Yeah we just made it, but the aliens were chasing all the way and saw where we were going. Got us trapped. There seems to be a bit of a stand-off at the moment.

Suzie: Actually that may not last long, according to one of the bigger fellows outside. I think he was starting to get restless waiting for you to come out.

Jones: Not one of those eight foot monsters? You talked to one of those?

Suzie: Oh I talk to everyone, that's my job. He didn't seem such a bad chap. Well, obviously quite keen on giving you a good roasting, but he is the enemy after all, so it only seems fair.

Jones: Well that makes me feel a whole lot better. As long as he's a nice chap, what's a roasted spleen among friends? Hell, by the sound of it I'm surprised you didn't invite him down for tea and biscuits.

Suzie: You've got biscuits?

Marine: We've got some chocolate. Does he like chocolate?

Jones: Yeah, chocolate! Maybe he'll let us go if we give him some chocolate!

Suzie: Hmmm, I doubt it. I'm pretty sure he likes his food a little more… how can I put it… fleshy.

Jones: Oh great. I wish you hadn't told me that Suzie. "Dear mom, having a super time in space. Eaten by aliens, wish you were here".

Suzie: Sorry. Actually there's something else I've got to tell you, he wanted me to pass on a message.

Jones: Uh huh. What's that then?

Suzie: Well, it went on for quite a while and he was licking his lips a lot and doing a lot of descriptive gesturing, but if I can paraphrase, it goes something like this. "ARRRRRHHH!" Bap!

Jones: Ow! You hit me with your microphone!

Suzie: That was the best I could do, on account of not having a fearsomely enormous plasma gun called 'Mr Exterminator'. I think he's quite keen on delivering that part of the message personally.

Jones: Ahhhh! Every man for himself!

Suzie: Oh snap out of it you big sissy. You've got a gun of your own haven't you?

Jones: What, this little thing? Didn't seem much use on the ship.

Suzie: Well, not with your 'curled up in a ball' technique anyway.

Jones: If I had my favourite spanner I could maybe brain a few of the little guys, but it got left behind in the rush. Probably gone for good now.

Suzie: Aw diddums, I'm sure mommy will buy you another one. Well maybe you won't need to brain anyone. I bet Master Chief got off the ship; he could be heading this way even as we speak.

Jones: Yeah, so he can give me another kicking I expect, the big bully!

Suzie: It's all for the greater good.

Jones: Everyone's picking on me. Even you! Why do you have to talk to me anyway, how about the Marines over there?

Suzie: Well, you had such a nice bright outfit, it drew my attention straight away.

Jones: Huh, you and the Covenant, the way those shots were whistling past my ears on our way here.

Marine: Damn useful decoy too buddy! Heh heh!

Suzie: Especially with that big target circle stuck to your back.

Jones: What? Ok, which one of you jokers put that there?

Marine: Don't look at me buddy.

Marine 2: The thought never even crossed my mind.

Marine 3: Hey, would I do a thing like that?

Jones: You see what we engineers have to put up with Suzie? What the hell am I doing here?

Suzie: Well plainly not much, but I didn't want to be rude.

Jones: I didn't join the Navy to die like this!

Suzie: Why not look on the bright side? If you make it to retirement without getting toasted alive, they might give you that commemorative gold-plated spanner they promised.

Jones: Oh whoop-de-do! I rest my case.

Suzie: And thanking you for your time, I rest my microphone. Bap!

Jones: Ow! You did it again!

Suzie: Just to keep you on your toes in case that big fellow pops down shortly. Watch out for his teeth mind!

Jones: Ahhhh!