Spotlight 1: Needles to noodles

Posted January 30th 2007

So, Vice-Admiral Ducain appears to have an unusual request on his wishlist for the forthcoming Halo 3:

"8. We NEED a water level. I mean, I would LOVE to see a level where we ride in boats/submarines, fight on/below the water, etc. That would be excellent."

But what if the nice Bungie folk actually granted your wish, Vice-Admiral? I'm not so sure the Covenant are cut out for a life on the ocean wave. Let's get Suzie on the job to check it out…

Suzie: So Mr Grunt, here we are on this beautiful island on yet another mysterious ring in space, waves lapping gently in the shallows here, and as I look down at you from this walkway I can think of only one thing to say. I never thought I'd see a Grunt on a jet-ski.

Mr G: Came as quite a surprise to me as well Suzie. I mean, normally I do my grunty business on land. You know, shoot a few needles, flee in terror, wet myself on a regular basis, that sort of thing. But then suddenly this order comes down from high command and it's like "Quick, everybody take to water, we must flee the land, for Ducain has spoken!".

Suzie: Ducain?

Mr G: Yeah I never heard of him either. Some meddling Prophet or other, I don't know. Bigwig at the HIH brotherhood apparently.

Suzie: HIH?

Mr G: High Impact Hippies, I think.

Suzie: Golly, sounds impressive. What do they do there then, these hippies?

Mr G: Well, a lot of pesky meddling for starters, obviously.

Suzie: High impact meddling, perhaps?

Mr G: Very high impact in my particular case. Look at me, I'm soaked!

Suzie: Yes, I noticed. You didn't have anything waterproof then?

Mr G: Well it's not as if I was expecting to need anything when we left the homeworld. And have you tried finding a Grunt-shaped wet suit at the surfing store? They practically laughed me out the door!

Suzie: I see your point. Your rebreather looks a bit waterlogged too.

Mr G: That's not the worst of it. Look at this soggy needler! My needles have turned to noodles. Here I'll fire it, watch this.


Suzie: Dear me, that was pathetic. They just flopped out into the water.

Mr G: It's embarrassing, that's what it is. What am I going to do if that ruddy great cyborg of yours comes along? Give him a good splashing?

Suzie: It might be worth a shot; maybe he doesn't have rust-proofing.

Mr G: Huh, he'll probably massacre the whole squad.

Suzie: More than likely, based on past form. Talking of squads though, I can't seem to spot your commanding Elite out there.

Mr G: Oh he's out there alright. Just a bit er… lower down than he would've liked.

Suzie: You don't mean?…

Mr G: Yeah, a nasty business. One of the guys accidentally clocked him a stiff one on the back of the noggin when he was in the water fixing the marker buoys for training. Like, KLUNK! Glub glub glub… Never came back up. Sshhh! - don't tell anyone.

Suzie: It'll be our little secret.

Mr G: Well, it's a shame for ol' squid-face of course, but that's what you get for putting Grunts on jet-skis.

Suzie: My thoughts exactly. What were they thinking?

Mr G: I'm telling you, this Ducain joker had better watch out if he shows his face down here. A lot of my buddies out on the water there are pretty unhappy about being plonked down onto a jet-ski without so much as a browse through the instruction manual. Especially my mate Nobby.

Suzie: Oh? And where's he then?

Mr G: About halfway around the ring by now I should think. Fumbled his plasma pistol early on and blew a short-circuit in the electrics. Thing shot off like a rocket, with Nobby holding on for dear life. Nothing he could do to stop it - steering locked up and everything. It was just like "Waaaaaahhhhh!" followed by a distant "Save me a place at the food nipple guys!", and then he was off into the sunset.

Suzie: Poor Nobby. Oh well, look on the bright side.

Mr G: The bright side?

Suzie: All the more food for you!

Mr G: Good point Suzie! Heh, suddenly I'm missing that stubby little fool a lot less now. Hey wait a minute…

Suzie: Yes Mr Grunt? Looks like you've had a thought there.

Mr G: Just imagine if my other grunty buddies were to somehow, and I mean just somehow… have a mishap with their electrics, and go the same way.

Suzie: You'd have the food nipple all to yourself!

Mr G: Woo-hoo! You know Suzie, maybe this watery nonsense wasn't such a fool idea after all. All hail to Prophet Ducain, His Imperial Hippiness!

Suzie: You certainly seem a lot more perked up now.

Mr G: Yes, must dash though Suzie - got things to do. Hand me that spare plasma pistol off the walkway there would you? Er, just in case it comes in handy out on the waves, you understand.

Suzie: I understand perfectly Mr Grunt. Here you go.

Mr G: Come to daddy, my little beauty…

Suzie: Ok then, start your engine and hold on tight!

Mr G: …It's feasting time at the nipple tonight!


Mr G: Wah-haaaahhhh!

Suzie: Aw, I do like a happy ending.