Spotlight 3: Shield Clowns

Posted July 1st 2007

If a recent forum post is anything to go by, the Finnish Halo-playing public have had a tough old time of things, those that don't speak English. Vowel-shy Halo fan 'MffnMn' reports thus:

"We also made up names for the Covies as we didn't know their real names. The only name I remember was the name we gave the Jackal: "Shield clown" roughly translated from Finnish."

Shield clown eh? I like it! I wonder if any Finnish UNSC Marines have this sort of problem in the field. Let's get Suzie on the job to find out…

Suzie: So Private Nokiannen, thanks for talking to us and I'm keen to hear how the battle has been going for the 143rd Finnish Regulars. I didn't actually know there was a whole division of Finnish Marines.

Nokiannen: Yah, we been going long time now. Good fighting, and we de best guys possible in de snow. Pretty slick troopers. Got skis and all de stuff. You need skis?

Suzie: Um, not just now thanks. Maybe when it snows.

Nokiannen: We de best skiers you know. Very proud of de Finnish heritage.

Suzie: So I gather. In fact I understand that your division has developed its own Finnish lingo for a lot of things.

Nokiannen: Yah, all de combat manuals written in English, make us plenty fed up and lonely for de homeland, so we make up own names in Finnish. Is much better. We using them all de time.

Suzie: Will that be a problem for this interview? I'm afraid my Finnish isn't really up to much.

Nokiannen: No trouble, I give you best translation. Was a tough job to learn de English speaking but I got it down pretty hunky-dory now.

Suzie: Evidently. So can you tell us about your latest encounter?

Nokiannen: Right on baby, I gotcha. Well, was chaos to begin vid - lot of shooting vid de Alien Space Jokers.

Suzie: You mean the Covenant?

Nokiannen: Yah, dem guys. We getting on top but then I get in sticky jam. Am having trouble vid de Shield Clowns.

Suzie: The Shield Clowns? Ah, you must mean the Jackals.

Nokiannen: Yah, de Jekylls. They's pretty annoying fellows, you got me?

Suzie: I've got you fully thank-you Private, having met a few myself.

Nokiannen: Good. So I'm getting plastered by dis beaky fellow vid de Small-ass Troop Toaster and…

Suzie: The Small-ass Troop Toaster?

Nokiannen: I mean de plasma pistol.

Suzie: Ah. So the plasma rifle would be…

Nokiannen: De Big-ass Troop Toaster!

Suzie: Fair enough. Do continue.

Nokiannen: So I'm getting plastered and is hurting a lot and I get pretty mad, so I charge in vid my Wildguy Popgun Shooter…

Suzie: Assault rifle?

Nokiannen: Yah, and blim-blim-blim! Fill him vid holes and stand over de freak shouting "How you feel now Shield Clown beak-boy, how you feel now?".

Suzie: Probably not feeling very good I imagine.

Nokiannen: Way poorly Suzie, hee hee! But I got to look up quick because I hear de Panic Pixies coming.

Suzie: Panic Pixies? That sounds like the Grunts.

Nokiannen: Yah, de grünti fellows. Always making vid de running-away behaviour. They pretty soft so I having some fun vid dem. Pick up Whack-job Hedgehog Gun and let dem Silly Muppet Troopers have it.

Suzie: Whack-job Hedgehog Gun? You mean a needler?

Nokiannen: Is right; de crazy-fool needling gizmo. Who design dat eh? Who de hell think of it? Anyway, squirt de needles straight in, and BANG! No more grünti.

Suzie: Nicely done.

Nokiannen: No problem girly, you sure one hot potato.

Suzie: Er, thank-you. And what was next? Hunters maybe?

Nokiannen: Hunters? Ah, you mean de Clank Monsters. No, not today, but I get a big fright when a Lanky Punisher turn up vid a Big-ass Troop Toaster.

Suzie: An Elite with a plasma rifle? Yipes. What did you do?

Nokiannen: Hoo! Then I run for it like de pants on fire. I Finnish, not stupid!

Suzie: Of course not, I'm sure you did the right thing. But didn't he chase you down?

Nokiannen: No chance for him because Big-boy Cyborg Hero shows up in de nick of time.

Suzie: Aha, Master Chief! I bet he made short work of that Lanky Punisher.

Nokiannen: You betcha. Got de treatment from de chief-man's Boom Tube.

Suzie: Boom Tube? That's got to be the rocket launcher.

Nokiannen: You got it Suziepops. BOOM!

Suzie: Very nice. Was the battle over then?

Nokiannen: Not quite - one more thing for business. We spotting reinforcements long way off, fresh from Hovering Goon-dropper.

Suzie: An enemy dropship!

Nokiannen: Yah, big one. Many distant Space Jokers in a pack, closing for trouble. Shield Clowns, Panic Pixies, Lanky Punishers, de lot; is a nasty handful. Would have been bad for me and Finnish buddies; no more skiing for us maybe. But is no problem for Big-boy Cyborg Hero! Quick swop and he pick 'em off easy vid Longshot Head-whanger.

Suzie: The sniper rifle I presume.

Nokiannen: Right on. Is best possible item for de long-distance head-whanging. Make you plenty deaf ok, but head-whanging potential fully top notch.

Suzie: That's good to know Private. I don't have your depth of military expertise of course, but I'm sure you can never have too much head-whanging potential in your arsenal. So the UNSC managed to win the day yet again eh?

Nokiannen: United National Space Cowboys 1, Alien Space Jokers 0.

Suzie: Quite. But of course, it's not just the Alien Space Jokers you're up against. Have you ever encountered the Flood?

Nokiannen: De Creep Lurkers? Oh sure thing baby. Get attacked by a Gurgling Spawn-boy just yesterday. Real shocker he was, leaping out and coming straight for me, but I bring him down quick vid a Hurting Silver Bang-maker.

Suzie: A pistol no doubt - I hear it packs quite a wallop. Do you carry that as well as as your assault rif… er, Wildguy Popgun Shooter?

Nokiannen: No, I borrow Bang-maker from Hiding Jumpsuit Fancyman.

Suzie: An engineer?

Nokiannen: Yah, he damn useless, can't do nothing but hiding. Anyway, I kill de Gurgling Spawn-boy pretty quick, and then we shoot a few Fatman Body-poppers for good measure.

Suzie: Carriers?

Nokiannen: Is completely right, hotshot radio lady. De Beachball Wobblers. We pop 'em good, and out come de Scuttle Nibblers.

Suzie: Ah, you mean spores.

Nokiannen: Right. They some vicious little devils, but we pop 'em good. All in one go vid a Shatter Banger.

Suzie: A fragmentation grenade?

Nokiannen: Yah, pretty big bang, and everybody is ducking like de grünti guys is often suggesting vid de Sticky Bangers. Dem not completely stupid. Where de heck they pull those things out of anyway? Seem to appear like magic. Is fully annoying.

Suzie: Yes, they do have a way with those plasma grenades. Anyway, you've certainly been in the action lately. I wonder if I can… hey look, a Pelican is coming in!

Nokiannen: You mean de Big-belly Flying Bird? Yah, is my ride. Got to go now honeycheeks Suzie-girl. More Alien Space Jokers to be shooting.

Suzie: So soon? And we were having such a good chat.

Nokiannen: Hey maybe we chat somewhere later. Leave de microphone, just bringing yourself huh? We talk plenty, no trouble, just you and me.

Suzie: Yes, maybe not.

Nokiannen: We got a great sauna back at de base. Real steamy!

Suzie: That's awfully nice of you Private, but I think I'm going to be busy interviewing some Panic Pixies, and maybe a Lanky Punisher or two. I don't think I'm going to have time to get steamed. Besides, maybe you need a cold shower instead.

Nokiannen: You sure play hard to get, hot-stuff reporter lady. Oh well, gotta run now or I left behind. Bye-bye Mister!

Suzie: Um, cheerio! And Private Nokiannen?

Nokiannen: Yah?

Suzie: Watch out for those Shield Clowns!